Sunday, November 28, 2010

28 - a time to stop dreaming

I just turned 28. ‘Saturn’s Return’ – when “a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life”


“The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their life upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound, or if a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation.”

Heavy stuff. I thought puberty was meant to be the time of difficult self-discovery and change. Apparently that period is actually called life.

In some way I’m not sure what I’ve been doing, with a vague idea of ambitions and plodding along waiting for inspiration.

At 18 I expected to be married by 28. I expected to be doing something with my life that was more significant or prominent. But I saw 28 as an ‘older’ age than I do now. Age creeps up on you, and I guess it will continue to. You realise life doesn’t pan out the way you maybe expect it will because things change and the future has its own context, not the set of circumstances of the present through which we often view our future. Also, 28 seems a lot older to an 18 year old than it does to a 28 year old. I expect that trend to continue. We don’t need to leave youthfulness in our socially defined ‘youth’.

I’ve done and learnt a lot in the past 10 years. I had a six-year relationship, completed two degrees, travelled overseas and/or around parts of Australia all of the past five years, met some amazing people, got a good job (that I’m ready to move on from), moved out – later than I’d have liked at 24, but earlier than many of my friends – and have explored ideas and ways of seeing life through lots of great music, books, movies, art and conversations.

I’ve also drunk a lot of beer, thrown away too much money on superficial and wasteful items, often not taken good enough care of my health, or my car, too often kept a messy bedroom, not put myself first enough and looked to others for validation too much. But I’ve learnt lessons.

The last few months have been fairly turbulent and will quite possibly mark a watershed time of my life. That it’s happened around this supposedly significant birthday could be meaningful or over-analysed happenstance, but there is much to take from it.

I met a girl who I formed an amazingly swift and intense friendship with very quickly. We became close to the point where it was like a relationship without the physical intimacy – more like a marriage I guess.

We both deal with anxiety issues and she inspired and challenged me in many ways, as I did her I think – at least initially.

Unfortunately things went down the seemingly inevitable path of a casual physical relationship as we continued to turn to each other at almost every opportunity. ‘Unfortunate’ because her insecurities and anxieties meant she couldn’t commit to anything and I needed something more. It ended badly.

But I learnt a lot from her in just a few months.

She planted the seed in my mind to blog. I’m still determining what exactly it will be -or letting it take its own, unintended shape.

I hope we re-establish the friendship. Not only do I like her and care about her deeply, but she can be someone who offers a great source of energy, inspiration, motivation and ideas for me. You have to surround yourself with positive people who provide that energy. I get a lot from my relationships with friends and family, and she is someone making the kinds of changes in her life that I would like to emulate.

However, I need to learn to take things on by myself. The events of recent months have given me cause for reflection and introspection and I have a better understanding of myself and what I want to do. It’s up to me to make that happen.

After all, the astrological forecast is not all bad:

“During this time astrologers note that goals are consolidated and people tend to gain a better vision of where they are going in life. There are added responsibilities and a person may reap the rewards from his or her hard work. Many major life milestones seem to happen around the ages of 29 and 30. This is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage because it marks the true beginning of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, ambition, and self-actualization.”

So the next couple of years can be fruitful if I put the effort in. I don’t doubt that. This blog is part of the whole picture.

I want to write. I want to get satisfaction from my work. I want to travel. I want to meet people. I want to have a significant, recognisable, positive impact – even if only seen by a small community of people, I’d like to make a difference in peoples lives. I also want a partner; in crime, in fun, in discussion, in life.

You can plan and think as much as you like, but the only time you can ever to make things happen is now. At some point you need to take advantage of now. The more you do, the more you get out of life.

This is the beginning.

I’m 28; it’s time to stop dreaming and to make the life I want.

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